Hunt: Marriage is a team sport: A playbook for happy relationships

We realized long ago that we are a team, and teams need a name. Ours is team Ken/Pen. Creating a name, saying it out loud and using it in your life creates an understanding of being together. It is not me and you, it is US. We are a team, and the team needs a unified name. You could use your last name or pick something meaningful to you both. Name your team.

Be friends — best friends. Friendship is a nonjudgmental, trusted space where you can tell secrets, share fears, create dreams, and feel secure and safe. Never forget you were friends first.

Remember your partner is not a clone of you. They are your best friend and teammate. You can have interests and friends outside of the team. Individuality is important. You can like different kinds of pizza, and enjoy different types of music and movies. Have your own interests, hobbies and connections. You don’t have to do everything together, but never forget that your home base is the team.

When my kids were young, their grandfather would tell them, “If you are going to fight, fight nice.” When you get angry, never forget your teammate is not your enemy. Teammates don’t fight. They isolate the problem and work together to find a solution.

Remember what you are fighting for — a resolution and mutual happiness. If you disagree, don’t call each other names or use hurtful words. Words spoken in anger will remain in your partner’s mind long after the argument. Over time, the layering of hurt from arguments can destroy relationships. We always remember the saying, “That is not the way people who love each other talk to each other.” If your words will jeopardize the relationship, be silent. If you are going to fight, fight nice.

Be polite. Years ago, I witnessed how a woman I worked with interacted with her husband. I saw how polite she and her husband were to each other. They used words like please, thank you and excuse me. Remember, those are the words we learned as toddlers, and we use them with friends, acquaintances and even strangers, but we slack when it comes to using them with the one we love the most — our partner. Being respectful and polite with your partner makes a difference!

Play and laugh. Life can become filled with, well, life. Work, obligations and responsibilities can take over our time and energy. Always allow time for fun and memory-making. Go out for dinner or a movie, go bowling or skiing, take weekends away from all the life stuff. Be silly. Laugh at yourself. Laugh together. When you play, you restore your relationship’s energy. Teams need play time.

It’s the little things. When I put laundry in the washer and walk away to do something else, my husband will hear the timer buzz and put the laundry in the dryer for me. We pay attention and help each other in small ways. Teams work together.

Support the bench. The bench is the backup team. The people that add to your relationship. The bench holds the children, family and friends that are attached to both of you. They are your supporters and cheerleaders. Respect each other’s backup team.

Check in. Once a month or week, check in with each other. We call this our “15 minutes.” We put away all distractions. We take turns telling each other how our partner has made us happy, lifted our spirits and how they have made us feel loved. We also sift through the things that didn’t work so well. What disappointed us or hurt our hearts. It is a safe time for discussion. Your team is worth 15 minutes!

What do all these ideas have in common? Communication. This is what bonds the team members together.

Try some of these ideas from our playbook in your relationship. GO TEAM!

Pennie’s Life Lesson: Relationships are a team sport. Support the team!